Dear L,

Now that I have stopped consuming practically everything on internet1, I feel I have enough time to breathe again. And what I felt immediately was sadness & disgust. Disgust because of what I wrote, for example, Tabletop Role Playing Games. It was obfuscated junk, in my opinion, that did not fit in general theme of what I usually write for you. And secondly sad because I could not keep up with my own expectations for what I wanted these letters to be, and I got scared and stopped.

My mistake, now that I think about it, was that I turned this entire activity of writing to you, into a project before it could live as a hobby. If you remember, the first letter I wrote to you was just a few links, I sent you an email because you wanted to read something during the pandemic's shutdown period, so I sent you a few things that I found interesting on the internet with a little paragraph. I am not even sure if that one is published here. And I will not look it up; I want that first letter to remain unpublished, just between you and me.

It very quickly became into a little mailing list and it was quite fun for a few weeks. Then I decided that I would include one single video and three articles at the end of every letter2. And I would also write something interesting. Usually, I would talk about some experiences, usually when I was younger, and then make a point, or maybe multiple experiences and then make a point. I got stuck in this pattern because I had already established the shape of this project. It was about writing a newsletter, with its own style, not a letter!

But who I am to find my own style when I don't even how to write?! I didn't even understand what writing style is when I wanted to develop my own style. And I still don't know. And all of it is sad because it is the second longest hobby-like activity that I ever sustained.

The longest sustained activity in my life so far is photography. My first photograph is at least 25 years old at this point. It's on film somewhere in my Father's photo stash. And I must admit, I also stopped that for the most part. I made the entire activity into a project; editing, publishing, finding my style, finding my photographic niche. Don't get me wrong, artistic language is important, but I am not an artist! Frankly, I do not think it is not my job to create a photographic body of work, to turn it into a project. It was never my livelihood and likely it never will be. In my hobbyist capacity, it should have been enough to just keep taking photos, printing them out for my friends, and having a good time! At some point I didn't allow myself to be bad it, but I was not any good either. Now, I would only look to edit photographic work if I can turn the act of editing photography3 into a hobby. Or, hire an editor to do it for me, push me to produce more, so they can publish what they envision. I don't have a vision. This is why editors4 are so very important. But I digress.

Since when did everything become a project? Why do I give shapes to work that doesn't even exist yet? I have seen so many instances within me, and around me, where engaging in things in a hobbyist capacity ends up with a shape, an end goal, a virtual finish line, with next steps and so on, most of it not sustaining. It leads me to believe that I have forgotten how to play, how to do things purely its own sake. I envy you that maybe you haven't been infected. Anything that is given sustained attention to will begin to loop in on itself and bloom. That is in my view is the pleasure of a hobby, the privilege of being able to have a hobby.

Apologies, for taking a stance, but I think hobbies should be a waste of time. And turning anything into a project should be a conscious decision, not automatic. Let us stretch the idea of wasting time for a moment; if one is healthy, sheltered and decently fed, what is it the that prevents them from reading poetry, making love or even sleeping all weekend5? You and I know the answer, maintenance and motherhood6. I am going to omit motherhood, because the answer is fairly obvious. If you are fortunate to enough to have a stable livelihood, regular working hours & a place to live, what is it that prevents you from “wasting” all your free time. I asked this myself few weeks ago, and I came up with nothing. I am beginning to think that it is truly a privilege to have free time, and the amount of maintenance & chores that I am expected to do, is trivial. At the edge of wasting free time7 is boredom, hobbies should only live beyond that. One of the problem, is the culture cake frosted with late stage capitalism. Selling the need to need more, or maybe even to want more; a testament to marketers of the world! But do not quote me on any of this, after all I do not even know what really is late stage capitalism8.

Intellect is easy to fake and depth is truly difficult. It is also my responsibility to express my intellectual limitations when it comes to most if not all of the topics humanity has ever considered a topic. I am a bumbling idiot for the most part. It is also never clear to me how deep my research on topics should be before I should be write on it. And, I also almost forgot how to read; do my research; thank you ChatGPT.

If a project is something one takes on, a hobby is something one yearns for. Projects aren't inherently detrimental to anything, but I want to leave the confines of "projects". I will participate from a different angle in a lighter capacity when I am doing it by myself9. I might be writing about imaginary computer chips here, or maybe about imaginary worlds there. And since I am learning to waste my time better now, there will be times when I will want to waste time writing to you right here. It might not be of any substance, might be esoteric, might be academic, might be bad poetry, might even be reviews of cigarette brands. I would understand if you don't want to keep receiving my letters.

I'll keep writing.

Best, A

P.S. Here is a photograph that I like looking at, from Bovbjerg, Denmark. Taken on 4th June, evening.

  1. Apart from things that are being sent to me. ↩︎
  2. Sometimes I would attach articles that I haven't even read yet. ↩︎
  3. Editing as in editing bodies of photographic work, not post processing of individual photographs. ↩︎
  4. and coaches, teachers etc. ↩︎
  5. Assuming there is no medical condition involved. ↩︎
  6. Parenthood; but it was too tempting to use two words starting with M. ↩︎
  7. Perusing social media is not wasting time! It’s pointless work. ↩︎
  8. I only read the word somewhere. ↩︎
  9. In case you want to see what projects & hobbies my friends and I are upto, you would have look at other webpages that I author. This and this. ↩︎